This previously unpublished piece is adapted from
Love Me Tender by Constance Debré:
Three years ago. We’re at the Flore, sitting outside, rue Saint-Benoît. It’s summer. I’m dipping my black-pepper potato chips in some ketchup. I’ve ordered a club sandwich, he’s having a croque monsieur. He’s my ex. The first man I was with, and until further notice, the last. We’re actually still married because we never got a divorce. We lasted twenty years, he and I. It’s been three years since I left him. His name is Laurent. With our eight-year-old son, with Paul, we do alternate weeks, all civil, we’ve never had any problems. A few months ago I switched to girls. That’s what I want to tell him. That’s the point of this dinner. I picked the Flore out of habit. We met here when we were twenty, it became one of our haunts. I grew up here, I’ve never really lived anywhere else. But I don’t go to the Flore anymore. I quit my job as a lawyer, I’m writing a book, I’ve got the tax people on my back and no cash to my name. It’s a pain, obviously, but it’s not important. So I spit it out, I say, I’ve started seeing girls. Just in case there was any doubt in his mind, with the new short hair, the new tattoos, the look in general. It’s basically the same as before, obviously just a bit more distinct. It’s not as if he never had his doubts. We had a little chat about it, a good ten years ago. I said, Nope, no idea what you’re talking about. I mean I’m dating girls, I say to him now. Fucking girls would be more accurate. He says, All I want is for you to be happy. This, I don’t reply, sounds like a lie but it suits me fine. He’s barely touched his croque monsieur, he lights a cigarette, calls the waiter over, orders more champagne. That’s what he’s drinking these days, he says it agrees with him, that it makes him feel less shitty in the morning. The check comes, he pays, we leave. Instead of going his own way on le boulevard Saint-Germain, he walks me towards the Seine. When we get to my door, he goes to follow me upstairs, as if we hadn’t been separated for three years, as if I hadn’t just told him what I’d just told him. I say no. He says, Have it your way.
The next day he messages me, Yesterday was nice what are you doing tonight? I thought we’d settled things but maybe he’s thought about it and wants to talk some more. We’ve hardly seen each other in three years, I liked it just fine that way. But I agree to meet him, I tell myself I probably owe him that much. He comes to pick me up outside my house in a taxi, it looks like he’s made an effort, he’s made reservations at a restaurant in another district, a fairly chic place in the courtyard of an hôtel particulier. He talks to the waiters like a regular, he orders a good wine like a connoisseur, he acts like some guy trying to impress his girlfriend. Maybe this is what he does now with girls, maybe he wants to show me, try out his techniques. He wanted to meet but he’s not saying anything, he’s not asking any questions, not a word about yesterday, nothing about him or me, we talk about holidays, foreign countries, books we’ve read, as though we’re politely humoring each other on a date that’s not going anywhere. He wants us to walk home together, I make sure there’s enough space between our bodies, not too close, not too far, as if everything were normal. The Marais, the Seine, the Notre Dame, we’re like a couple on honeymoon. Once again he walks me right to my door, once again he wants to come up with me, to kiss me, once again he seems surprised when I say no.
In October, I bring up the subject of divorce. There’s a girl I’ve been seeing since summer. She’s young, she doesn’t like the fact that I’m married. She’s been on my case, she keeps making scenes, in the end I give in. And she’s right, it isn’t healthy, I call him my ex, he still calls me his wife. I invite Laurent for coffee, one day, then another day, he says he doesn’t have time, he’s avoiding me. In the end I send him an email. I want to get divorced, it’d make things clearer for everyone, come over for dinner one night and we can talk, take care. Stop you’re turning me on. That’s his reply, which he sends in an email. In the moment, I find it funny. A little crazy, but funny.
Fifteen days later, around Halloween, he tells me something’s up with Paul. He says he’s keeping him, that there’s no need for me to pick him up. He says Paul can’t stand me, that he’s rolling around on the floor, that he hates me.
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