Where You End And I Begin

In this memoir Canadian author Leah McLaren writes about her complicated relationship with her mother, Cecily Ross. At the centre of the story is the revelation of Cecily's rape at the age of 12 by her 45-year-old instructor at the Caledon Riding Club, referred to as 'The Horseman'. It was not an isolated incident. The relationship continued for three years and there were other victims. McLaren unravels her mother's experience in an effort to make sense of their dysfunctional enmeshed relationship. Is her mother's trauma intergenerational?

When Leah was eight years old her mother left her marriage and her two young daughters to pursue a career in journalism. Leah lived with her off and on over the years in a 'feral' situation without supervision or boundaries. She refers to her own childhood as one of "benign neglect".

The story jumps around in time from Leah's childhood to her current life as a mother of two young boys. The author unsentimentally reveals her own youthful experiences with sex and drugs. She is just as dispassionate when she relates her mother's maternal challenges and her unhealthy relationships with men. 

McLaren is a journalist who has written many columns (a few of which I've read) about what it's like to be a young, connected woman of privilege living her life in Toronto and London while building a career. She likes to write about herself.  I wondered what her mother must be thinking about this recent burst of oversharing. Later I read this essay Ross wrote about her displeasure with her story being told by another. The two women are now reportedly estranged.

In the first part of the book McLaren writes about an event at a teenage pool party  which she describes as a consensual threesome. While I was reading the book, a piece by one of the those involved that night popped up in my literary feed. Zoe Greenberg describes the event as a sexual assault on her by McLaren and a male friend that left her traumatized. When she discovered that McLaren planned to include the event in her memoir Greenberg confronted her. McLaren acknowledged the sexual assault, apologised, and told Greenberg that she could alter the depiction in the manuscript if she wished. (read this for context) (McLaren's response here)

In her newsletter on Substack McLaren recently revealed that her marriage has ended, her husband has disappeared and she has been left struggling as a single mother of two little boys:

Very soon, my sons and I will go over the cliff’s edge and find ourselves in total financial free fall. I have no idea what will happen then. Because of our household income I don’t qualify for benefits. I can’t sell the car or the house (despite having paid for half of both) because neither one is in my name.

Reading Where You End And I Begin makes me feel like I have been sucked into the swirling cyclone that is Leah McLaren's life. For better or for worse the significant fallout from this memoir ensures that there will be a sequel.